I feel that the following is a horribly bratty post, but I wouldn’t be honest with myself (or my readers!) if I didn’t write my true feelings throughout the process.
Throughout the actual “pregnant” part of this journey, I have to be honest: I have been jealous of our surro, and of all other pregnant women, for that matter. The following are some of the things I feel I have / am missing out on:
1. I am not the focus of our prenatal appointments.* We were at a prenatal appointment yesterday for 2 hours, but we were in the waiting room for all but 5 minutes of the appointment…I seriously wondered why we were even there, and I LOVE these appointments, since they are really the only time I get to spend with my babies.
*I completely understand that our surro’s well being (and life) are the main focus of these appointments, and that is understandable, but I still feel like I am missing out at being the focus of this amazing process…hopefully that make sense?
2. I don’t get comments out in public. No one even knows I’m expecting! In some ways this might be a blessing, but for someone in my shoes, I would give anything for a stranger to gush over my belly!
3. Whenever anyone asks me “How are the babies doing?”, all I have for a response is, “Ok, I think?” I miss the bonding I feel a pregnant mother has with her offspring, and the (maybe not always) knowing that everything is “feeling” right.
4. I don’t get to “feel” my babies. Not only from the inside, but I haven’t been able to feel them from the outside, either. I have never felt a baby kick (from the outside); I just don’t feel comfortable around pregnant people, even friends, so I’ve never really *wanted to*, until it came to my own babies. I have hinted to our surro that I would like to feel them, if possible, when we see her during our appointments, but maybe I need to be more clear? I just don’t feel comfortable asking for some reason.
I know that down the line, these things will become a distant memory, but at this point, I feel like I’m missing out.
The big thing out of yesterday’s appointment was that our surro’s cervical length has again shrunk (from 3.0 to 2.0, according to her…we weren’t in the room for that information). The doctor also did a pelvic exam, which showed that her cervix is “softened” which I guess is ok? as long as she “takes it easy”…hard to say, since we also weren’t in the room for that…
Yeah, it sucks.