After I was first diagnosed with MRKH, I had several appointments with a mental health councilor, in order to help me deal with my diagnosis. My councilor had me write a letter to my uterus, addressing all the things I would miss. Everything I addressed had to do with never being able to become pregnant, and mourning the loss of the children I would never carry.

I never once thought about all the moments I would miss DURING the pregnancy!

I was so looking forward to our next OB appointment with our surrogate (next week), and when it was cancelled, I was SO disappointed! I asked my surrogate if we could meet-up this weekend instead, but she let us know that she wasn’t feeling up to it, which sent me into ANOTHER emotional tailspin! (just like yesterday when I found out our surro had placenta previa).

I completely understand that she is trying to keep the precautions she has been given, as well as feeling stressed about the new diagnosis. I completely understand where she is coming from, and yet, I am still so sad about all that I am missing!

I feel like I am missing so much!

I feel like I won’t be able to watch the bump grow!

I feel like I am already missing this first part of the journey; even the fear and worry of what is happening right now in this pregnancy.

I feel like they are my babies, but they just feel so far away!

I have cried about how they feel so segregated from me, and how their initial growth feels so out of my control.

I am mourning taking part in their pre-lives, and I need this time to grieve.

I’m sure I will begin to cope with this loss soon, and move on to “enjoying” our pregnancy again.

But until then I mourn. And cry. 😦